Being human sucks

Some scholars argue that Earth is Hell. 

That's me. I'm some scholar. Mind you, I define Hell as a place where we experience separation from the divine. And I can say that because I, for a very brief period there, felt so completely and utterly connect to the Divine that being back, grounded in the reality of life as a human, I feel dispair? Lost? Metaphorically and a bit physically checked out? 

Yeah some combination of those. 

It isn't all the time. 

My life isn't really that bad right now. It has been substantially worse at previous points in time. 

And yet. Having had a near death experience (NDE) several years ago in my sleep - I stopped breathing, felt my soul reconnect with what many would call "heaven", realized I wasn't supposed to be there yet, and snapped back into my body and jolted awake gasping for air - I wrestle with the idea of "What is the point?" "Why am I here?" 

Before I alarm anyone into thinking I'm suicidal, I'm not. Or at least I don't think I am. I was back in college, but not now, no. It's more of a thought experiment that I ponder from time to time. (This just so happens to be one of those times that I decided to record it). 

Where was I? Oh yeah, Earth is Hell. 

Based on my definition, Earth is Hell. We live here in these human bodies/meat suits and we are, for some reason or another, disconnected from our soul/Spirit/Divine/God(s)/Goddess(es). Some like to argue that Earth is a school for us to come learn the hardest lessons. That we are some brave souls doing the most challenging things a soul could do. That we should be proud. (Nauseating). Some could argue that we are here simply to suffer. That we, in fact, are actually the ones stuck in some form of cosmic punishment sentenced to eternal damnation. (Sounds a bit dramatic to me, but sure, I can see it). 

And I honestly think both of these things could be true. I also think they could both be dramatic falsehoods we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel right. I don't know. I believe in infinity, meaning, there are potentially an infinite number of universes, scenarios, etc all being played out, so what one person experiences may very well be their infinity. It just isn't mine. 

Based on my experiences as a human and as a Shaman, I think my sense of reality shifts daily. Sometimes even moment to moment. 

I started this post in deep dispair, but writing it all out has left me feeling neutral.

"Like, I simply exist." 

Life will go on. The flag will blow in the wind again. The grass will grow. The sun will shine.

I'll no longer be this version of myself. 

I'll be transformed. 

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*If you haven't see Alice In Wonderland (2010) version, go watch it and pay attention to the blue butterfly.